Issues By Me
by LittleIdears
Summary: Well there is no Go Ask Alice category, so this isn't about triumph over rape. This is my true life story being written. Love, I guess. And the ways i hate myself at moments. but it's not a depressing story.
1. Chapter 1

***Chapter One***

Hey there.

Hello.

Hi…

Dilemmas.

They hold a person down.

Force someone to think.

In other words,

my worst enemy.

Thinking is so not my forte.

I just can't seem to think "right."

I used to.

Think "right," I mean.

But it all

went down

the tubes

when I looked

inside myself.

Opened up what

can never be

stitched closed.

All because of

my mini-obsession.

That obsession made

me question

l—o---v—e.

I'd never been

one to believe

in that four-

letter word,

but I'm

different now.

My mini-obsession~

that one guy who

changed everything~

consumed me.

Made me stagger,

get on my knees,

and beg for him

to love me.

But alas,

I am getting

ahead of myself.

Don't want to

ruin the story.

Okay so what

if you thrived

for acceptance

and love to a

dangerous extent?

Doing things

you never thought

you would…

When you know

it's inexcusable

and just plain wrong…

And you can't stop…

What,

I ask,

do you do next?


	2. Chapter 2

*Chapter Two*

Before him,

I believed I

knew myself.

Man, was I

an idiot!

I was an empty

shell.

Barely existing.

Sure, I was

nicer back then.

Maybe even a

bit happier.

But I'm a better

person now.

That, I am sure of.

Tinted.

Ah, a perfect word.

I am tinted,

stained.

Not the color I

used to be.

I am not

meaning in a

horrific Michael Jackson

way…

I'm just…

different.

Different from

others and such.

I am an

enigma.

No one

wants to be

the same.

They want to

be "special."

Well, doesn't

wanting that

make you the

same, also?

You're doing

exactly what

you were

trying to avoid.

Way to be

a hypocrite,

Bucko.

Okay,

I need to begin

the story,

dive head first,

stop warming myself up.

Well… here we go.


	3. Chapter 3

*Chapter Three*

It started

with eight words.

Eight simple

words read

on one text.

"I think I might

like this girl,

Desiree."

And then

came my reply.

"I think I might

like you, too!"

All of those

words set

the ball

in motion.

There was

absolutely no

way not to

take the leap.

Who knew the

fall would hurt

so bad?

Vibrant.

The way I

felt the rest

of that day.

Later we became

an… what's

the word?...

Oh, an item.

Nothing would've

fazed me.

I was euphoric.

Why?

A question I

have yet to

answer.

Maybe it was

the thrill of

first dating

someone.

Knowing you're

about to embark

on a new journey,

take a path,

for better or worse.

That's what I'd like

to believe.

What I wish

was true…

But maybe the

real reason

was because

Seth was the

complete and

utter opposite

of me.

I wanted change.

He was the

pariah who

played drums

in a band.

I was the

well-rounded student

who could do

no wrong.

Well I pretty

much fractured

that stereotype.

Oh fucking well.

Here's the thing

about Seth, he

is a unique feller.

Very odd.

Hard to read.

Contradictory.

The relationship

began awkwardly.

I didn't want

to let anything

dumb slide it's

way off my

tongue.

And I'm usually

always tortured

by my need to

put myself down.

_He doesn't like me._

_Not one bit. Can you_

_see how he looks bored?_

_How there is no_

_interest displayed in_

_those brown eyes_

_that hide behind _

_that beautiful hair?_

_I am ugly. What_

_could I possibly offer _

_that he already_

_hasn't had?_

_Nothing._

_Jeez. He's prolly just_

_dating me out of_

_pure pity…_

Seth ended up

surprising me.

"What's wrong?"

I asked.

"Eh, nothing."

"Please tell?"

"It's not important.

Just didn't feel

smooth today,

that's all."

Seth not smooth?

Impossible.

After all, he is

a hug-whore.


	4. Chapter 4

*Chapter Four*

Seth Causes A New Being To Wake Up

**D**esperation. What I have, trying to

**E**scape the monster.

**S**o, what might it be?

**I**nternal jealousy.

**R**edirected at Seth.

**E**veryone experiences it,

**E**ven the Saints.

* * *

**I**t is now irrevocably

**S**oaked into my soul

* * *

**L**oosening my grip

**O**n him is impossibly

**S**tupid, if you really

**T**hink about it.

* * *

The dark creature

that covers me

is causing paranoia.

I decide against

my better judgment

and tell dearest Seth.

His response?

He thinks it

is absolutely

adorable. Says

he might

provoke the

monster a little.

Wow.

Thanks buddy.

I guess

I'll have to

awaken his

hidden monster

as well.

Make the

jealousy and

paranoia eat

him alive, too.

After all,

games make life

interesting.


	5. Chapter 5

***Chapter Five***

Games.

Funny games.

Phenomenons that have no rules-

For they change with each person-

That often end in tragedy.

Watching Seth hug her

Twirling round and round

I ignite.

He takes a peek

at me

during it

and grins

at my face of distaste.

I simply

can't hide my

un-satisfaction.

Well Seth darling,

two can play at

jealousy.

I strut

masterfully up to

Tyler,

give him the works.

Pout my lip,

hand on his chest,

tell him how

small I am compared

to everyone else.

Tyler takes the bait.

Hand closes around mine

draws it behind his back

pulls me in tight

laughing that I'm just

the right size.

Seth is glaring.

Ah, my job is complete.

A well-earned success.

Games aren't nearly

as fun

if you begin losing

and I for sure

have the upper-hand.

Have I always been

this competitive?

This full of

payback?

Maybe.

But this is when

it became present.

And some gifts

you just cannot return.


	6. Chapter 6

*Chapter Six*

Please don't think

I thoroughly

became horrid.

I really did not.

This was probably

The happiest time

in my existence

thus far since I

moved away

from Erin.

I made new friends.

people that I had

always thought

interesting.

I actually felt whole.

Part of something.

I guess I ultimately

didn't know how to

handle that.

Oh well.

Can't take it back now.

Too late.

Seth and I

didn't always

torture each other.

We were sweet.

If my shirt

began to rise up,

exposing my stomach,

Seth would pull it down.

That made me

feel as if he

didn't want anyone

to see me.

As if he wanted

me all to himself.

His smell was

intoxicating.

It conjured up

thoughts of swimming.

Surrounded in

all that goodness.

His touch forced my

blood

heart

mind

to dance with joy.

Seth's standard way

to hold me

is by putting

a hand on

each hip and

pressing my body

into him.

I could feel

the want.

Feel that his

need was almost

as strong as mine.

To get some laughs-

because what is life without

some comedic relief?-

I would shift

up

and

down

up

and

down.

His friends

would explode

with amusement.

As Seth

shook his

head fighting

back a smile,

I was pretty

sure his

friends wouldn't

be the only

ones exploding.


	7. Chapter 7

*Chapter Seven*

Fire and Ice.

Damn that comparison.

Me?

Oh, I'm the ice.

Cold

hard

cutting.

Can't let anyone

melt me.

Can't be exposed.

But we all know

what happens

to ice when

placed in heat.

It disappears.

Seth?

Definitely the fire.

Warm

fluid

caring.

Can't let anyone

freeze him.

Can't be conformed.

But we all know

what happens

to fire when

placed in dampness.

It smothers.


	8. Chapter 8

*Chapter Eight*

This is not

happening.

I think as I

stare in awe.

This is not

supposed to be

happening.

Seth and Kevin

are best friends.

The bond between

them is

unbreakable…

And yet there

goes Kevin

not bothering

to look back at us.

Rewind five minutes ago.

SethKevinand I

outside on a nice day.

Kevin's

dangerous

open

different.

He can enable

any girl to like him.

He's just…

K e v i n.

There we were.

Sitting

talking

laughing.

I stood from

my spot of

sitting between

Seth's legs

and stretched.

I was

instantly flying.

Flying?

No, lifted.

Swung over

Kevin's shoulder.

Put her down.

Seth. Stern.

Oh, c'mon. It's fun.

Kevin. Content.

I knew I should

say something.

Anything.

But I was

at a loss.

Kevin was skinny

but felt strong.

I liked how his 6'3"

effortlessly held my 5'0".

Kevin spun once,

his grip getting

tighter on my body.

And suddenly I

was grounded.

On my feet, confused.

What the--?

I glanced at Seth.

A smile puckering

around the edges.

I glanced at Kevin.

A scowl puckering

around the edges.

Seth had punched

Kevin right where

it counts.

I forgot to mention

Kevin's most

_appealing_ quality.

He's not exactly…

stable.

Fuck, man. I fucking pulled a gun on my

mom, I'll do it to you.

Kevin stormed

off, leaving me

frightened.

That was WAY

bipolar.

Seth could see

the fear displayed

on my face.

Don't worry. He's all talk. Just give him time to cool off.

I smiled and

hugged Seth.

Maybe I didn't

want Kevin

to simmer down.

Maybe I wanted

him to overheat

and spill all

over Seth.

I had to admit,

in some twisted way,

making Seth react

like Kevin just

became a really

hot idea.


	9. Chapter 9

*Chapter Nine*

Lust.

Everyone experiences it.

Don't even try to deny.

It's pretty much

ah-maze-ing

N O T.

It's the

ruin-er of

relationships.

Matt.

Oh

Matt.

Hot,

funny,

knows what words to say.

As my

feelings intensify

for Seth,

my longings

for Matt

expand.

Used to like him.

Matt, I mean.

In middle school.

I'd had a

C

R

U

S

H

on him for years.

He knew,

but didn't act.

Was too busy

dating future

cheerleaders.

Come high school,

however,

he notices

flirts

plays with my mind.

Oh joy.

As I wish

for Matt to

just dissolve,

I have an

epiphany.

Matt will

make an

excellent pawn

in my game of

using Seth

as a puppet.

Sit.

Stand.

Speak.

I control it all.


	10. Chapter 10

*Chapter Ten*

Am I making

myself out to

be a slut?

Hope not.

Cause I'm not one.

Not even in the slightest.

Seth was the

first guy I

made-out with.

Kissing?

That's easy.

Further?

That's not.

I don't want

anyone to

touch me.

To know me

on a physical level.

Too personal.

I'm just good

at flirting.

Maybe that's

why Matt

dubbed me

Tiny Tease.

He wants me.

I can see it.

But I want Seth.

I can't have Seth, though.

If I let him

get that close,

he might hurt me.

And I can't be hurt.

So I retaliate

and create pain for him.

I tell Seth

I made-out

with Matt.

Just to get

a reaction.

Response?

Spontaneously sad.

I tell him

I was only kidding.

And with

a sigh of

relief, he

forgives me.

I can't be mad at my baby,

he says.

Yay.

I win.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Do you like making me feel

this way?

Kinda, I replied.

Did I like it?

Yeah.

Really?

Sort of.

For sure?

No.

I don't particularly

like treating

Seth this way.

Making him

believe I cheated

on him for

a moment…

But I figure

it's a sacrifice

I'm willing to

make for my

need to feel loved.

Some days,

I'm liked.

I like talking to you. You're silly.

Kevin.

Other days,

not so much.

You're such a bitch and a horrible

girlfriend to Seth.

Kevin again.

Hey!

Don't blame me.

It's not like

I was born

this way.

Something has

formed me into

this.

Digest that.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Little Hannah Got To Him First

**T**exting Seth 'I loves you'

**A**gain and again

**K**ills me. He couldn't

**E**ver

**A**ctually love me. He's

**G**uarded. Like the

**R**est of us.

**A**nother girl came and dug her

**N**ails into him before breaking him

**D**own.

**S**he gained his love,

**T**rust,

**E**verything, before causing him

**P**ain. She

**B**roke his heart.

**A**nd possibly his soul. Now he

**C**an't or won't

**K**eep me. He can't love me.

Or Else…


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Or else

he'll be just

as weak as

The rest of us.

He takes himself

out of the

equation and is

replaced by a

stand-in.

Someone who

doesn't care.

Or does he?

Does Seth care?

I think so.

Are you sure?

Well… maybe.

You really

believe he cares

about you, Desiree?

Um… no.

That's the kind

of thinking that

pushed him away.

Seth tried to care.

But like

everything else…

I RUINED IT.


	14. Chapter 14

*Chapter Fourteen*

Seth and I

both knew that

our relationship

was going to end

b a d l y.

But we didn't

dwell on it.

We tried to make

the best of it.

I very much

enjoy hanging

with Seth

and his friends.

All are

light-hearted and

there is always

something happening.

They are

the outcasts.

Some by nature.

Others by choice.

They skate

are in a band

do drugs

have sex

or walk everywhere.

Maybe even a

multiple of those.

Seth admits

that he can't

skate very well

plays drums in a band

doesn't do drugs

hasn't had sex

and walks endlessly.

The most I

can do for

him is hope

that Seth,

and his amazing

darkish-red hair,

doesn't become

like Kevin.

Kevin does

everything on

the list.

As attractive

as that makes

Kevin to me,

I cannot picture-

wait, scratch that-

will not picture

any chemicals

penetrating Seth's

warm body.

Not to mention

that I also will not

picture Seth

penetrating any

girl's body.

Purely impossible...

Except...

If she was me.


End file.
